[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Scream sneezers need love too.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
All excellent questions
he’s doing your taxes
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The real reason evolution started..😂
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
they split up moments later
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.