Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.