1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
yeah not falling for this one
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?