my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.