[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch