Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
You Might Also Like
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”