me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend