I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Bloody internet 😳
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat