12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”