I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.