Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]