When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
an octopus is just a wet spider
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
the Monday after daylight savings
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)