Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities