Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.