7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Chicken bread
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes