If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute