Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.