Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”