Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
They’re on their honeymoon
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls