“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Check your privilege
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When you kidnap a writer.