My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Kids: Stay in school.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
cat vs inanimate object