Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.