“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
🤣🤣🤣
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair