First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
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I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?