McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life