I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
…u ok Nintendo?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat