When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.