My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.