Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine