The cake is mightier than the sword.
You Might Also Like
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets