You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.