Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.