He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.