*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”