Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
FRED: right
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
People buying plungers never look happy.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”