djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”