There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Schrödinger’s cookie
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My dad teaching me to drive
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.