Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car