Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.