12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Proctology is located in A55
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby