I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”