Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Buying a well is money well spent.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”