I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas