Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I can also cook 😂
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”