ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
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[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.