[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
congratulations to them
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me