Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I want this so bad
🤣🤣🤣
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.