Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
wut hotdog?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.