Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls