“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
asking santa clause for nudes
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy